Fourth Man in the Fire

“But the great thing to remember is that, though our feelings come and go, His love for us does not. It is not wearied by our sins, or our indifference; and, therefore, it is quite relentless in its determination that we shall be cured of those sins, at whatever cost to us, at whatever cost to Him." --- C. S. Lewis

God's love pursues. There's nowhere it will not go.

I can never escape from your Spirit!
    I can never get away from your presence!
8 If I go up to heaven, you are there;
    if I go down to the grave,[a] you are there.
9 If I ride the wings of the morning,
    if I dwell by the farthest oceans,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    and your strength will support me.
11 I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
12     but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you. Ps 139:7-12

His love followed us from hospital to hospital at the end of 2023 as my beautiful husband went from fighting fit one day to doubled over with abdo pain the next. It pursued us as he was grievously misdiagnosed and as we went off to the coast on holiday thinking it was just what DH needed to recover from an "upper GI infection".

It followed us into a radiology department in a town I'd never seen before, and from there it followed him all the way into emergency surgery to remove a ruptured appendix.

God's love cradled me as I sat waiting, curled on a hospital couch in the middle of the night, absolutely alone. It bore my critically ill husband through a four-hour surgery as his septic abdomen was washed out and chunks of necrotic bowel were removed.

The Lord's love upheld us both through a two-week ICU stay, a second surgery, and the long, rough road of recovery. The Lord's love cast us to our knees, showed us the extent of our helplessness, and greater yet, drew back the curtain on the unending ocean of His mercy. He brought us to the edge of our worst fears so that we could see how very small they are compared to His majesty.

Our God towered over us, the Lion of Judah. He stripped away everything, all of our hope, except for Him, and He was enough.

I had not expected to spend our first wedding anniversary on our knees as my husband fought for his life, but He was there. Fearless and completely in command. God is good.

It is easy to say that now, now that we're home after six long weeks away from our farm, now that my husband is strong again and filled with life, now that we can praise Him for a miracle. Yet, in the valley of the shadow of death, it was still easy to say, easy to see. He was with us in every part of our fiery trial. The fourth Man in the fire.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons,[p] neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:38-39

We will never be the same after what happened to us. But we are not meant to be the same. Hardship is meant to do exactly what this great trial did: to make us better, more trusting, more hopeful, less stressed, more eternity-focused, more oriented toward the eternal things of the Kingdom of God, because at the end of the day, they are all we have.

I praise the Lord for healing my husband. I praise Him every time I get to wake up side by side with the man I love more than life. Above all, I praise God for being God.

He is so, so good.

Chaos and Grace

 The two words I can pick to describe how 2022 went for me. I don't think so much has ever changed so quickly in my life, but one thing never changes: the grace of God. He worked mightily in my life this year and I can't wait to see what He does next.

Here's a brief recap, since I was also a particularly useless blogger last year.

January, on Shy Boy, the one thing I truly miss about working at the Friesians.

February - Vainly struggling to keep Thunder in full work by lungeing in the very late evenings after days so full I didn't have time for meals. The burnout was real.

Still loving going out with the kiddos. I was wrestling very hard with myself at this point. Something had to give, but I didn't know if it was going to be the yard or the Friesians. My head told me that I still wanted a dressage career, but my heart, as always, was here at Morning Star.

Struggling through SANESA qualifiers as well as I could, but still unable to stop loving the kiddos. It was a tough SANESA year, too, which didn't help, but ultimately I'm so glad of the choice I made. Tough years or not, this yeard is my heart.

Halter training Lass and Rose that summer, then weaning them and sending them to their owners in autumn, was one of my favourite parts of 2022. I loved having the three foals and they were so, so cute and friendly. I'm so proud of the horses they're becoming and we'll get to see at least Rose at HOY in February.

My first Medium and last show on one of the Friesians.

Getting a last few points under Thunder's belt to be able to go Medium on him after this, too. This was the last time I rode him until after I left the Friesians two months later, and it was the beginning of massive change and turmoil for me, but all good things in which God was gracious even when they were hard.

Wynnie won her first show the very next day. She was another favourite thing of mine about this year and I love the person she's becoming.

Late April, and the beginning of an epic friendship and many more Lancey adventures as EM and I climbed a mountain while serving as volunteer medics for this fun walk. This was an amazing day and buoyed me through a really tough time.

The last photo of me on one of the Friesians. Miss Sassy was so good, but I don't miss it.

Another EM and Lancey adventure pic!

After that it was a mad whirlwind until the end of June. God led me to quit the Friesians and keep the yard, and I did. We still had to get through the notice period and the tail end of the chaotic SANESA season, and things only really started to change after we went on our first real holiday together, after four years of dating. An entire week of sun and sea (even in African midwinter) together was an incredible reset for us both.

And it ended in my then-boyfriend, always-perfect man getting down on one knee and asking me to marry him. This was my second favourite moment of 2022, and you'll see why shortly.

When we got back, we started to settle into a new life, while also working to plan and pay for a wedding in record time. It was a sweet, sweet time in our relationship, but also a hard time in our lives. In short order, we had to put precious Magic to sleep, although I am relieved, now, that he's running free at last. Weeks later, half the farm burned to the ground. God was with us through all of it.

Arwen came back into work - another favourite thing. I love being back on my good little grey mare.

In a matter of weeks, we loved and lost Xena Warrior Princess Sadler.

I brought Thunder back into light-to-medium work, which fluctuated a bit as wedding planning began to majorly intensify. I was also given a new ghostwriting contract which I love with all my soul.

We took our engagement pics with a favourite horse show photographer, Tanneth Bern, and they came out absolutely perfect in every way.

Then came the most amazing day of my life so far 💜 The man of my prayers married me in a tiny ceremony on our beloved farm. Lancey carried me to the aisle, wedding dress and all 💜

It was not a perfect day, but it was beautiful and worshipful and joyous, and God's presence flooded it. I pray the same will be true of our marriage 💜

Now for a whole new chapter. A new job, a new routine, a new marriage, a new vision. Walking into 2023 as Mrs. Firn Sadler, with a heart full of hope and peace, joy and love. I don't know what this year is going to be like, but I know God's in it. And that's reason enough to rejoice.

God is good.